Let's Active Listening

I had never really been a fan of active listening. My old boss was always a fan of "seek first to understand, and then to be understood." Whatever. To me, the whole reflecting what someone is saying to try to make it seem like you are guiding them seemed so patronizing. "It sounds like you are really upset." Well no doy!

But with young kids, especially Owen, who is almost 7, this works really well, much to my surprise. Mostly, this is because he doesn't really know what he is feeling, since he is still pretty new to feelings in general. It is a big deal of parenting, as it turns out, to be your kids' guide to what they are really going through.

So Owen has been having fits of late, and the gists of those fits are that he doesn't get enough attention, especially with respect to Nathan, who is 3 1/2. He is also pissed that Nathan gets away with more, which doesn't seem too unusual for an older child. This has been coming to a head.

One other thing about Owen is that he wets the bed at night. I am not particularly concerned about this, even at almost 7. I was the same way, and now they have these pullups (essentially a big boy diaper) that saves this from being a big deal. He is a really hard sleeper.

This was all ok until we realized that Nathan, much younger, wakes up dry each morning, and we started letting him sleep without a pullup. Owen completely lost it, literally, he was hard to understand through crying for 10-15 minutes. When I finally calmed him down (kind of), I started the active listening, pinpointing what he thought he was mad about:
Me: "It seems like you are mad about having to wear a pullup
Him: "Yes. You guys told me we'd work on it and we didn't and now Nathan gets to do it."
Me: "It sounds like you think it isn't fair that Nathan gets to wear underwear to bed."
Him: "Yes, he always gets whatever he wants"
Me: "It sounds like you think Mommy and Daddy treat you unfairly"
Him: "Yes, and he always takes away my priviliges"
Me: "He takes away your priviliges? Like with the pullup?"
Him: "Yes, and with you and mommy spending so much time with him."

I mean, it really can't be that simple, could it? Solution (for now), we worked out a plan to try to get him out of the pullup. More than anything, the kid was just desparate to be heard. You want to say to him "Why not just ask to work on this?" and then you realize that such a concept just wouldn't occur to a 1st grader.

Been almost 4 months since I last posted. Many of you might know that my mom rather suddenly passed away in December. I say suddenly though she had cancer for 4 years, but it really happened pretty quickly, from relative health to coma in under 48 hours, and then passing less than 2 weeks later. So there is that.

Having kids when your parent dies is really, really difficult. It is essentially impossible to be strong for your kids, and while I just want to be there for them, I just haven't been able to. This has gotten better over the past few months. Still, the honesty that they come up with sometimes just slays me. We went to San Diego last week, and the first thing that Nathan says is "Where's Grandma?" This, with my Dad right there. All I could say is, "Grandma's gone."

I try to be strong, but my guilt lately is that I find myself not feeling sad all the time about my Mom's dying. My concern is more for the living, which is positive, but I feel like I should feel more misery about my Mom in particular. I know I did when she was dying, and over the last few years, maybe I have just done a lot of my grief. Then again, maybe this is just going to hit me like a ton of bricks one day.

Yay for my sister and Russ who are finding newfound fame for their urban beekeeping in Los Angeles. Next stop Oprah.

You're a wolf boy get out of this town

Long weekend done, and our excursion to the Great Wolf Lodge in Washington which was much anticipated by the kids. Basically, giant hotel/water park. Kid heaven. Was a great time, but tough times with being in chlorinated water for hours upon end. Really 3 small items:
1) Great mexican restaurant in Centralia, WA (who knew?). Called La Tarasca. Kids hated it. Family run. Fantastic.
2) Quote from Owen, upon eating a warm pretzel during snack time at the Wolf "Now I know why they say the food isn't good here... it's because it's GREAT!"
3) Sleep was horrid for Nathan, who kept waking up. At 5:00AM, in bed with Katie, and up again, he just kept saying "It's so hard!" The bed? what? "No," Nathan said, "This nap."

Now that I write it, you had to be there.

Frost on the window... acid in my stomach

Oh geez... I do not recommend raising 2 kids whilst being in the mortgage industry during these times.

I am a lapsed blogger, trying to do my best. My kids are still great. Went to see Owen performing in a 1st/2nd grade thanksgiving pageant. That was lovely. So nice to breathe and watch your kids grow up before your eyes.

Weird weekend, didn't do too much but it feels like so much happened. In these crazy economic times, and for someone as obsessed with money as I, I am doing everything I can to breathe and realize the world is in no way collapsing. Things are bad, yes, but my family is unreal, things are relatively ok economically, and as I wept 19 days ago, Barack is going to lead the way. He has already brought optimism to me and my family, and I hope he does to yours. If you like him, bless ya... if you don't like what he stands for, well, give him a shot. 8 years ago, I gave Bush a shot. Bad example, but you got to give them all a chance. After 9/11, I thought Bush was doing great... let's hope that this man, who we have chosen out of so many, becomes more than "history has been made" and more about "he is making history."

Different blog, yes, but these are different times.

Been awhile...

Yikes, so much going on. The real shocker was on the 14th, a 5th grader at Owen's school died. You might have seen it on the news... his heart stopped when he was hit with a football in the chest. Really random, really horrible. I really don't like talking to my 6 year old about death.

The kid turned out to be the son of the woman who runs a house cleaning business. Her mom cleaned our house. It brought it home a little more, but really, it was just a hug your kid week. Really depressing.

We have a new deck, which is nice, though now I wonder whether we should be spending any money at all.

Crazy weekend coming up with anniversary Thursday, Nathan's birthday Friday, Nathan's birthday party Saturday. Nathan is a good boy.

Please win Barack.

Game on

I'll gloss over the things giving me IBS this weekend, and get to the theme of the weekend: Games. Ok, it is a weak theme, and it is only based on 2 things, but here they are:

1) Showed up at Owen's soccer game Saturday morning (drizzle, wet field), and one of the coaches couldn't make it. I volunteered to be a coach for the day, which essentially meant being on the field and trying to help manage a 3 on 3 game. I had Owen, a boy named Connor, his twin sister Claire, Jillian, and Catherine. Owen can play, Connor can play, Jillian can even play, but Claire and Catherine... it isn't so much they can't play is that they can't pay attention. I also had to shuttle kids in and out while quelling my inner instinct to stick with Owen, Connor and Jillian. This was fine except for:
a) One point where I had the 3 girls in, 2 of which couldn't pay attention, and even served to distract Jillian to the point where the other team scored like 5 goals in 5 minutes; and
b) The Euro kid (Marcus), who seemed like he was on the Danish U7 team. No kidding, he slide tackled Owen. Kid was 6. Now if I'm on the sidelines, I'm not sure what to do, but when the kid is playing intense like this, it took everything I had not to yell at the other coach on the field. Also took a lot to get Owen not to smack him one (and Owen would have taken out the trash).

Anyway, I learned that coaching 6 year olds is exhausting, but also that I can set up a really good corner kick at this level. Almost the goal of the year.

2) Sunday, Owen has his quiet time after lunch, which usually involves him being in his room, listening to CDs of stories, and reading or making a fort. After quiet time, he came downstairs and shows me this series of 9 drawings he made on pieces of paper about 1" square. I have to say, they were pretty creative. Including: a) A globe b) His desk at school c) 2 trees (an apple and a pine) d) The "Ratmobile" e) A picture of a mountain with 2 guys going up the mountain, and 2 guys skiing down the other side; f) Another picture of mountain climbers; g) A "farm" (read: Garden) with vegetables growing, complete with little signs with pictures of carrots, etc.; h) A picture of a dog, with a leash extending off the picture (implying someone is walking the dog; and i) Of course I can't remember the last one.

So he explains all these drawings to me, and I'm just tickled with his creativity and initiative. Then he asks me to rank them in order of preference, and does the same with Katie. Then he decides he is going to come up with a game for these, and talks a completely convoluted nonsensical game that I kind of dismiss. But then he comes up with another game; which involved hiding each paper, then Katie and I try to find them. When you find one, you get the points associated with it, which are 9 if you find your personal favorite, 8 for 2nd favorite, etc. The trick is you get the points associated with your ranking if you find it. Anyway, he hides these and Katie and I spend awhile looking for them, and he's tallying up the points, and all I can think of is, well, WOW. This was done all on his own, with his own initiative, his own thoughts, his own creation. The game was even fun! And competitive (Katie accused me of shoving).

Good times.

Biden my time

Yesterday was hectic. I really wanted to watch the debate with others and yell at the TV, but I had agreed to deal with the kids while Katie had her book group at the house. I made the mistake of taking the kids out (tired, as they are wont to be on a Thursday night) for dinner and basketball.

So we are on our way home at 7, and Owen is being contrary, egging Nathan on, and Nathan is being his almost 3 self, bitching about whatever happens (good or bad), and them both exhausted. So I promise:
1) Chocolate milk
2) Licorice (in straw form)
3) Movie (upstairs, in mommy and daddy's room, to avoid the book group).

So once we get upstairs (which was no easy feat), and my temple veins are throbbing, we finally get Space Jam on. A short aside here: Space Jam kicks ass. From the horrible Barkley/Ewing/Shawn Bradley acting to Danny DeVito voicing the bad guy, to my kids loving to sing along with "I believe I can fly", the movie really has it all.

So what happens? 5 minutes in, Nathan craps his pants. This is a bigger deal than it used to be, because Nathan wears underwear now. Now this means he's gonna need a bath, which we were going to get away without. It also means I have to drag him away from Space Jam, just before Barkley's talent gets drained away and Vlade Divac gets worried that this is a strange virus he can get from the locker room.

This involved a lot of screaming. Not so much fun. Then the bath, and Nathan flat out refuses to sit down, screaming constantly. It's a battle. It's on. I lose. I take washcloths and clean the crap off his butt and legs. Then come the jammies. And I'm close to snapping here.

Long story short: Nathan crashed hard... Owen was a saint, and I watched the debtate on TiVo. It all worked out, but man...

Tonight: The Silly Sox Hop. Enough said.

Potty time!

Big news is that Nathan is in underwear. Holy moly I can see the no diaper light at the end of the tunnel. He'll regress, but the wheels are in motion. Please Please Please.

Owen got a short buzz cut per his request, though his request to get it short, with a bald circle in the middle was not granted. Sorry son.

Off to Seattle this weekend, just Katie and I. We'll probably just chill, and might see our friend (via sister) Kerri if she ever emails back. That crackhead.

Not too much else right now. Happy for my Chargers.

No one knows what is going to happen

Being in the mortgage industry, I've had a lot of people ask me what is going to happen with the economy over the past few years. I told anyone who would listen in 2004 that there was a mortgage crisis pending, and as I kept saying it would get worse, I never imagined all of this.

So I still get friends asking me what is going to happen. Now I have no answer. Either do these guys: http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/09/18/diamond-and-kashyap-on-the-recent-financial-upheavals/

And so if the really good economists can only mostly explain what has happened and what is trying to be done about it, and really don't know what is going to happen next, I'm folding my hand. That being said, I bought Activision stock today, because I think people are going to be all over the new Guitar Hero (in stores October). I do know that people like their video games, and this play rarely disappoints.

I feel very fortunate to have a good job and mostly financially secure in these difficult times. I am on the fringes of it in my business, as we are kind of innocent bystanders, but I am more enthralled with the scope of the crisis. The last real financial crisis (S&L) happened when I was in college, and before that were the problems of the late 70s and early 80s, of which I had no recollection other than only being able to get gas every other day.

So though it sounds harsh, this whole crisis is somehow... fascinating? To a business minded guy like me who has seen almost nothing but good economies in his adult life, the flip side is the equivalent of a mechanic popping the hood on a car to see what is wrong. I'm really trying to soak up all I can about this, because I've never been through such a failure on such a scale.

So to sum up, I'm turning this thing around and going academic on everyone. Watch what happens, soak in as much as you can, and then figure out for yourself what it all means. No one else knows! Your guess is good!

David Foster Wallace

Being out of touch (or maybe it was just reported), I just found out this morning that David Foster Wallace killed himself. For those of you don't know, he was a brilliant author who wrote some short story collections (the eclectic Girl with Curious Hair), a tome of a novel (Infinite Jest, a book with 125 pages of footnotes), and essentially reinvented the essay as a mode of writing, at least with my generation. In the latter category was the really funny and insightful "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never do Again", which had some great writing, both funny and insightful, and funny, and also funny.

But what I really admired about him was his ability to write, and sometimes to write sentences just because he could. That may seem odd, but consider this sentence, toward the beginning of Infinite Jest:

"He reached up to his chin, where there was a wen." This sentence added nothing to the narrative. Really, nothing. The only reason it was there was because 1) He wanted to show off that he knew the vocabulary word "wen" - a small facial cyst; and 2) More importantly, read that phrase again "where there was a wen." Brilliant. So brilliant that when I read Infinite Jest, 11 years ago during a period I was unemployed, I was awed to the point that I kind of wanted to be an author to create a sentence like that. Honestly, if I could write 5 sentences that good in my life, I would feel like I could call myself a writer.

RIP DFW. Perhaps you couldn't generate any more of those perfect phrases.

We have contact

I have entered the world of disposable contacts. The only real thing this means is that I can get sunglasses without question as to whether I can put prescription is. Oh, and I am likely to scratch my eye.

Owen lost another tooth. He's getting $2/tooth, and now that the $1 Gold coins are out, it seems like Pippi Longstocking money. He likes those coins.

Nathan and I go to Starbucks together on the way in to his day care when I take him in. Lately we go to one near us that has a grocery store near it. Last week, we saw a Mother's cookie truck, went to look inside, and the guy let us in the truck. Nathan was blown away. So many cookies! We haven't seen the Mother's truck since (the "cookie truck") but we have seen the "beer truck" "bucket truck" (a cherry picker), and today, a "bread truck." Good times.

Back to school night tonight. Not likely to be kegstands.

Tooth Fairy

Well we had a very social weekend. Soccer on Saturday, friends over on Saturday, where parents played with parents and kids played with kids. What a concept. Good times. Then wine and food benefit with friends on Sunday and a new 12 year old babysitter. Wow.

Owen lost his first tooth Friday night. He had been playing with it in bed for awhile and it was very loose (and bleeding). He was kind of freaked out, and then he just pulled it out. He was very proud, as was I. It was almost 11PM.

The next night we did the tooth fairy thing. I went into his room to put money under his pillow and he was still kind of awake, asking me what I was doing there. I said I was just checking on him, and gave him a hug while slipping money under his pillow. Wayyyyyy, too easy. I think I could slip someone a Mickey if I needed to.

The next morning I asked him if he heard/saw the tooth fairy, and he responded that the only thing he heard was the "ding" of her wand.

Ohh-Ohh, it's a swedish thing

Title is a reference to U2's "The Sweetest Thing" which listens much better if you make it a swedish thing.

On the fence sick all week. Almost the worst, not sick enough to stay home, not healthy enough to feel like I can do anything. Blech.

Was supposed to go to boss' daughter's wedding Saturday, but got called off. So scandalous. Still have an event Sunday, so that is ok, then more golf on Monday.

Owen is a 1st grader... I can't help but think he is in the system. He's such a social kid and rambunctious. Dang, those kids have a lot of joy sometimes. I'm reminded of the Ray Romano routine where he catches his daughter just staring out the window and he asks her what she is thinking of. She says "Candy." Just candy, when was the last time you just thought about candy.

I now want some candy.

Going to the chapel...

We are about to go to a wedding tonight... with the kids. We'll see how it goes, Katie is skeptical. But it is for one of our babysitters (who is a guy). We'll see. I think it is gonna work.

I went to the state fair in Salem with Owen yesterday, and in a real change, forced myself to spoil him and say yes a lot. We went on way too many rides and got too many snacks and had a great time. That kid is brave... we culminated the trip by riding on the Zipper.

If you don't know the Zipper, it is essentially a masochist dream... you get in a cage that jerks all around and flips upside down while the whole ride goes around like a ferris wheel. I believe it is the same ride my sister went on when she was about 13, and convince my grandmother to accompany her. Grandma Paul was never the same.

In fact, it was too much for me (and maybe for Owen). When it started Owen got jerked around pretty good because there was more room for him to move around (since the barrier when against me, and I am, um, bigger than him). He started freaking out, so I hung on with 1 hand and held him with the other and went into survival mode, whilst also getting nauseous. Owen survived, and claimed to have never been scared. Yeah right... oh, and his shoes fell off during the ride (and they were snug sneakers) and were tossed around inside our cage like crazy. Good times.

On the way home Owen announced that Grandma and Pop-Pop (my parents) were rich. He then went on to say how he knew... because they have a pinball machine.

So there you have it, show the world you have made it... get a pinball machine for your house.

I am Man, hear me roar, in numbers too large too ignore

Stresses abound with Owen first sick, then Katie (still), and some concerns about parents. But more pressing is my golf game and fantasy football.

I played golf for the first time in awhile on Sunday and had my best round in about 20 years, shooting 76. It was kind of a religious experience. Then I got to play again yesterday and shot 89 (about right) on a tougher course. Whatever... I'm back.

Then, to stress over fantasy football (and to a lesser extent, fantasy baseball), with a draft tonight in a league where I am commissioner, and I'm starting to feel manly. Got home from golf last night, and was just on with the kids, spelling Katie and getting them to sleep with smiles on their faces.

Owen starts school on Tuesday in 1st grade. I saw his desk today. He is going to be a proud boy.

At any rate, this brings me back to two comments I heard in late 1999, within a couple months of each other. 1) My sister claiming that I was "the least gay person I know" and 2) A guy from San Francisco claiming my musical taste was really gay. While the issue is unsettled, no matter how many New Order albums I listen to, or how many blender drinks I order at the bar, I'm ultimately a guy. My boys see it; they want to wrestle and please me by watching sports with me.

Anyway, I'm back and hoping to blog more often. Down to 60 lbs of fish or so.

Got a quarter million dollars worth of fish here

Wow... what a trip. To wind it up, we got back on Thursday night with a lot of fish... to be specific, everyone got 100lbs of fish, plus we had a bit more that is getting smoked. Salmon, Halibut, Snapper and Ling Cod. Whoa.

It was truly great to go on that trip, and just as great to get home to my family. The greeting I got from the kids was really heartwarming and I just wanted to hold on to that moment. The rest of the Alaska pics are up at http://picasaweb.google.com/rseidenwurm.

Weirdly enough, I came dowqn with a touch of the vertigo when I got back, feeling lightheaded and tremendously sleepy. Enough so that on Friday night, I kind of panicked and hyperventilated to the point where I called the dr. on call. It was still going today so I saw the dr. who told me I had this vertigo and I needed to rest and it would just go away. Always nice to know you don't have a brain tumor or an aneurysm or something.

Couple cute moments though... this morning Owen was very concerned with me, and thought he should test my brain. He asked me the following questions:
What is 6X7?
What is 100 + 100?
Which is healthier, salt or crackers?
What is mommy more allergic to, horses or dogs?

Later, he told me I needed to lay down, and prepared a tray (a cookie sheet) with 6 glasses, 3 full of water, 3 full of apple juice. It was so sweet.

Nathan was a trooper today. I swear he has grown a ton while I was away. He also danced his happy dance to music both in my car (whilst picking up pizza) and naked while waiting for the bath in our room... the latter to the Lenny Kravitz song "I want to get away." He is a rocker, that one.

So much fish to eat. If you want fish, and you are local, drop me a line.

Quickie bloggie

Internet was down, so couldn't post yesterday, but an amazing weather day. I managed 9 salmon, out of the 16 our boat caught.

Prob more later... last day of fishing.

Second verse, same as the first, it got a little better and it got a little worse

First of all, photos updated at http://picasaweb.google.com/rseidenwurm

Second of all... what a day. The weather was as pristine as it can get... mid 60s, slight breeze, sunny. Just idyllic.

Also, I got better... didn't even come close to hooking someone!

But the fish were biting quite slowly, and by the time we got our 24 salmon, we had only a little time for halibut, which also weren't biting, and then at the end, I got a really good one and when it got close... it was gone. i was told I probably caught a rock.

Then Rick caught a 45lb one, and you can see it pulled out of the boat in the pix.

Off to drink some more great wine, prime rib for dinner, massage after dinner, and then coma.

Do it all again tomorrow, and the next day.

I miss my family, but that will just be the nice part of the trip ending.... getting to see them.

New link for photos

Oops:
http://picasaweb.google.com/rseidenwurm

Little less transportation, little more action

Phew! That was a big day.
4:45 wake up
5:20 meet van to airport
6:00 take off from Ketchikan (on tarmac) in tiny plane
6:40 Arrive on floaters at lodge in Craig, Alaska (www.elcapitanlodge.com)
7:30 In a boat
4:00 Back from fishing
Our boat (4 of us) caught our limit in salmon (24!) and halibut (8).

Some quick thoughts -
Little plans take off very easily, but get blown around (but not too bad), and landing in water is fun and easy.
Fishing with a guide who does everything is fun.
Salmon are kind of fun to pull in (swim at 50 feet on average, not hard to haul in)
Halibut are on the bottom in 250 feet and require lots of manpower.
I caught 8 salmon (2 thrown back), 1 shark (thrown back), 3 halibut (kept).

Some pictures here:
http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/webUpload?uname=rseidenwurm&aid=5230453420594581377

Also, on the lodge website they take pix of our daily catch.

Me tired.